Before I became pregnant I always thought that I would breastfeed my child. I had watched my two sister-in-laws successfully breastfeed all their kids and it just seemed the most simple and natural way. Human milk for human babies. Once I became pregnant and began doing research about breastfeeding, I became even more convinced and adamant that it was the best choice for our son and our lifestyle. Imagine my disappointment, then, when he spent his first seven days in an incubator. Not only was I unable to hold my child, I was unable to nourish him the way I wanted to and I thought that the hope of doing so in the future was drifting away with every bottle of formula that he received.

At the advice of a La Leche League Leader I pumped, every two or three hours, but got quickly frustrated and disappointed when nothing happened. I was reassured that producing milk wasn’t the priority at that point, instead it was important just to stimulate the breasts to be sure that they would be ready when Ewan was.

Once Ewan was out of his incubator I was given the chance to breastfeed him. Again, I was disappointed because he seemed so completely uninterested. Now, in retrospect, it seems perfectly natural for him to be uninterested. After all, there was practically nothing available for him when he sucked, so he got no reward and quickly gave up.

Add to that the fact that we were in a hospital, I was still separated from my boy for most of the day, and a total stress case. Needless to say, these aren’t the prime conditions for establishing a breastfeeding relationship.

I left the hospital with Ewan in my arms lacking the confidence I needed to really breastfeed. I was still getting very little from the pump and he was still showing a definite preference for the bottle.

Well, we had a few days of heartache, and lots of tears, at home as he and I were trying to get breastfeeding established and he repeatedly refused the breast or drew away after only a few sucks, we are finally making progress. And, dare I say, we are on our way to having an exclusively breastfed boy.

For now the routine has been this. I try breastfeeding, then Aaron gives him a supplement (either formula or expressed milk) and while he is getting the supplement I pump to empty the breast. This routine means that each feeding, with diaper changes, generally exceeds an hour. Recently I have also added a pumping session or two to simulate additional feedings to increase the supply. Well, after doing this for several days Ewan finally clicked (and so did my milk supply).

Now Ewan is breastfeeding for about 20 minutes, sometimes more, each time he tries. He does need some coaxing and I have found that having a cool towel to wipe his brow works wonders. After nursing Ewan is still getting his supplement while I pump. Each time I pump I am able to get an average of 20-30ml in 15-20 minutes and every day I am collecting more expressed milk than the day before. Right now about 50% of the supplements he receives are coming from expressed breast milk.

We are starting to consider how and when to eliminate the supplements since he is starting to not finish them and even refuse them! Sometimes I feel that he is taking the supplement simply because it is so easy to get it from the bottle, not necessarily because he is hungry.

We have a doctor appointment on Monday, it will be good to go and see how much Ewan has grown while he has been in our exclusive care. Once I am reassured that he is, in fact, growing on my milk, I will have a bit more confidence to try getting him off the supplements entirely. I am eager to do so simply to streamline our feeding process which, for now, is long and exhausting. We are willing to do it, of course, because we feel it is best for him, but would like it to end as soon as possible.

So, there you have it! Finally, things are starting to come together and I am starting to feel that I will be able to breastfeed as I always imagined I would. For awhile there, I was starting to think that it wasn’t going to be possible, but thanks to all the support and encouragement I received from family, friends, the LaLeche League leader here in Japan, and my husband who simply wouldn’t let me quit (just like he didn’t let me quit during labor) I feel like we will be able to do this!