In the evening on Mother’s Day, my first Mother’s Day, Aaron and I went for a walk with Ewan and I had a chance to reflect on some of the things that I’ve liked about being a mom and some of the things that I haven’t liked. I figure it is good to think about both, both to remind myself how amazingly wonderful this journey is and to troubleshoot those areas that aren’t going quite as smoothly as I would like.
So anyways, here are the things I thought about.
Things I Like:
- I love snuggling with him. He is just so warm and cozy that I can’t imagine a better feeling in this world than when his little body melts into mind and he is so relaxed, as if there isn’t a single place on Earth that he would rather be. I also like that when he is snuggled and relaxed with me or on me, it helps to make my own worries and cares melt away. It is hard to be worried or nervous when there is a calm, peaceful baby resting in your arms.
- I love being a family. Aaron and I have been married for almost six years, together for almost ten. I have always felt a strong connection to him and a solid partnership with him, but I never really thought of us, alone, as a family. As soon as Ewan was born that changed. Now, forever, we will have this incredible little person that completes us, that keeps us forever connected to one another. Now, with Ewan in tow, I feel even more strongly about how important our little family is and how excited I am to start creating traditions together.
- Each day is brand new. I love the way that Ewan wakes up in the morning, bright, cheerful, ready to take anything on. It doesn’t matter how good, or bad, the previous day was, he greets each new day as if it is both the first and the last. He doesn’t hold grudges, he just starts fresh. I like his spirit and I am trying to incorporate it into my own.
- I love sleeping with Ewan and Aaron. I love waking up in the morning with my two favorite people close-by. I love being able to wake up in the middle of the night and reach out to comfort my son as he stirs, but doesn’t quite wake. I love that I woke up on Mother’s Day, about 15 minutes after my son and my husband had woken up, and they were both staring at me and Aaron wished me a happy mother’s day. I wouldn’t trade this time, a time when we all sleep together, for anything.
- I love Ewan’s look of gratitude before nursing. As I take him into my arms, ready to cradle him at my breast, he looks up at me with these bright wide eyes, with an expression that, to me, says, “Thank you, Mama. Thank you so much.”
Things I Don’t Like (that’s actually a bit strong, but I can’t think of a better way to say it):
- I miss teaching. Fortunately this will be relieved, somewhat, when I start again tomorrow. Mostly I miss the satisfaction that comes from doing something well. I feel like I am a good teacher, the job comes easily to me, and I really like working with other teachers and students. Being a mother, on the other hand, is something that I don’t feel quite so proficient at yet. I question myself, a lot, and I question my abilities as a mother. I worry that I am not doing everything right, that I am missing things, but I think that is typical. I know that will resolve itself, somewhat, as time goes on, my confidence increases, and my comfort with being a mom grows. But, for now, I know it is important for me to continue looking for ways to connect with other adults and to continue setting goals and find ways for me that will bring me the satisfaction and joy that I got from teaching.
- I miss never being alone, or never being alone with my husband. As much as I said above that I love sleeping with my husband and son, I also miss being alone with my husband, just as a couple. I know that this is a season of life, one that will be short-lived in retrospect, but this infancy stage is so intense and demanding, especially doing it the way that feels best to us, that it leaves little time for being alone or being together as a couple. We are still adjusting, and it is getting easier, but I still long for a little solitude or couple-time now and then.
- I don’t like the amount of preparation it takes to leave the house. We travel light, it’s true, and we have one of the smallest diaper bags possible, but it still takes more prep work to leave with a baby that when we were flying solo. How many diapers do we need? Do we need a change of clothes? Do we have snacks packed for the nursing mom? What about water? Where will I nurse? Does the destination have a changing facility? What carrier should we bring? All these questions, and more, are constantly flying through my head and it is enough to make me never want to leave sometimes, just to avoid the trouble. I know that this will get easier with time, but for now it is enough to make me crazy.
So, yeah, that’s it for now. Fortunately, I find that there are always more things that I like than things I don’t like. I think that means that I am working into my role as a mother, and will continue to grow into it with time. I hope that this time next year, I will have even more things to say about being a mom and even more things that I like. If I do, I will consider myself one lucky Mama.
