This weekend, in honor of my birthday and my in-laws visit to Japan, we made a little trip to my favorite ryokan, Soene.

We went to Soene, for the first time, a week after our anniversary last year. As it turns out, Ewan was just a little blastocyst at that point. We knew it was possible that he was there, but we were still more than a week away from getting the positive test.

I loved being there so much the first time. It is a beautiful Japanese inn, nestled into the mountains, in the middle of a very active hot spring area. The inn has three different baths for guests to use. Two are public (separated by gender) and three are private (for couples and families to use together). Last time we were there I didn’t have a chance to use the big public bath, so it was high on my list of priorities for this return trip.

I nursed Ewan and knew that was my chance. I handed him over to Aaron knowing that I had a good hour or so to go relax on my own. The first real chance to relax since Ewan came, actually. It was much deserved and anticipated. I had been looking forward to our trip and dancing each time I thought about it all week.

I went into the bath, happy to find that I was alone. I am not shy and don’t mind soaking with others around, but I knew it would be even more relaxing if I was by myself. The bath was surrounded on three sides by a natural wood and it was covered from the sun by the same. On the side that was open there was a forest, view of the mountains, and a river crashing by.

The smell of fresh forest air, the sound of rushing water, and soaking in a hot bath put me into a state where I could feel all the muscles in my body relax. All the stress melt away. I closed my eyes and started reflecting on all that had happened since the last time we were there.

I remembered the Japanese breakfast they served and how it made my stomach turn. The first real sign we had that something might be going on.

I thought about the pregnancy and how much I enjoyed that special time with Ewan. The time when he was mine and I was his. The time when I didn’t have to share him with anyone.

I thought about my baby and how glad I am that he is here. How much joy he has brought to my life already and how difficult it is, even after just two short months, to imagine my life without him.

And then I opened my eyes, looked down at the calm pool of water that had helped me to relax in a way that I haven’t been for many months, only to find that the water was no longer clear. Instead, around my breasts were large clouds. I leaked! In the onsen!

I was horrified, but then again it could have been much worse. At least I was alone.

I spent a minute or so swimming and kicking around in the water to help the milk dissipate. By the time I left, I don’t think that there was any evidence I left behind. It is likely that none of the other guests will ever know my secret about that bath, but I will never forget.