Impressionable Toddlers

I’ve been doing a bit of pumping for just in case. I’m not sure, exactly, why/when I’ll need the milk, but it is nice to have a bit of it stashed.

So, I’ve been pumping every afternoon and, as it turns out, Ewan’s been watching. And now, he’s imitating.

He gets it, mostly.

And then we decided to give Xander his first bottle of pumped milk. Just to get him used to taking it, just in case.

Ewan loved feeding his brother. Xander, my go-with-the-flow child, had no problem getting milk this way. And Papa was pretty smitten with it all too.

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A New Normal

Things are, understandably, going to be a bit different around the blog for the next little while. I don’t know when, how, or with what I will be popping in, but I know that I will be. I love coming here. I love sharing our little slice of the world and I love checking in on all of yours.

For the next little while you might see a lot more small glimpses from our days as we all settle in to our new normal. We’ve only been home for about 24 hours now as a family of four but already, it seems, that we are all going to fit together just fine. Everything just feels right.

With that, here are a few pictures of us all settling in.

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Weaned

I think it’s over. I think my little one weaned himself.

I think I have very mixed feeling about this.

On one hand, it went exactly as I wanted it to.

It was gentle. There were no tears, no battles, no fights.

It was gradual. Starting with night weaning a few months ago and moving on from there.

It was on his terms. He decided to step back. He decided that he was done. He decided that he could find comfort and closeness without that anymore. He led, we followed. We listened. (At the end there he would nurse for a few moments before popping off and telling me he was all done.)

As I said, it was exactly as I wanted it to be.

But now it’s been more than forty-eight hours since I last nursed my babe. My first little nursling and, well, I’m just feeling kind of sad. All at once our relationship has changed. All at once he’s grown up just a little bit more.

I wish I had taken a few more photos.

I wish I had stared into his deep blue eyes a few more times, rather than reading a magazine.

I wish that I hadn’t gotten frustrated during that last feeding, not knowing it would be our last. He was being a little rougher than usual (teething and all), I was tired, my boobs were sore. I ended it abruptly and sent him off to have breakfast and start the day with his Papa.

I wish . . .

But now those wishes are over. It is done.

I know I have another little one on the way. I know that soon I will be nursing again. Even knowing that doesn’t make the sadness go away. It doesn’t make the tears stop.

Ewan was my first babe. He taught me how to nurse. How to be a mama. And now, 19 months after it all began, he’s teaching me how to let him go, how to let him grow up, and how to move on.

Tough lessons for this mama.

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Adventures in Night Weaning

Yesterday I wrote, and reminisced, about nursing my little man. My how it has changed since he was as wee as he was in those photos.

It has certainly changed. And, 13 days ago, we decided that it was time to change it even further. 13 days ago, we decided to change the game, introduce a new set of rules. Milk is for daytime, sleep is for nighttime.

This was an important change, a necessary change. One that, while he wasn’t terribly thrilled with at first, is truly best for our whole family. It is a change we’ve talked about and abandoned. Previously deciding that our little guy just wasn’t quite ready yet. Two weeks ago, it seemed like he was. And now, looking back at our choice to night wean and the sleep it has granted us, we know that it was the right time. He was ready.

Let’s recall, back in April in posted about sleep in our household. Or, more aptly, the lack of sleep in our household. Things were bleak. We weren’t resting. Ewan wasn’t resting. Well over a year into this gig and we were, rarely, getting a stretch longer than a few hours.

A week later I posted again. A tooth had, finally, broken and we were granted a bit of a reprieve. Well, that being the first tooth, the reprieve was short.

Over the next few months Ewan got five more teeth, for a grand total of six at the moment. His comfort, and our sleep, continued to be interrupted.

Nursing stopped being the solution, Ewan would no longer fall asleep at the breast.

He began to refuse the sling, as well. Arching his back and screaming when we would try to put him into what used to be a sure thing.

At 16 months we were out of ideas, out of tricks, seriously low on sleep after waking, on average, 2-4 times per night for close to six months. It was time for a change, for a new paradigm.

Just as we weren’t willing to let Ewan cry-it-out months ago, we still weren’t willing to do so now. But we also weren’t willing to continue on this path. We were all feeling the ill-effects of sleep deprivation. Weekends were being spent trying to catch-up on sleep, taking turns taking naps, rather than having fun family adventures. My afternoons were dragging, instead of enjoying Ewan’s naptime or using it to get something done, I found myself napping or, worse, just vegging on the couch. Something had to change.

We decided that, starting immediately, there would be two new nighttime rules:

1. No night nursing. At sixteen months, I was confident that Ewan could make it through the night without snacking. He is big, he’s been growing well. I knew I’d need to make more of an effort to tank him up through the day, but that is easy enough. Ewan nurses before bedtime, he is welcome to do so when he first wakes and joins us in our bed (which he now refuses), but then no more milk until morning.

2. No getting out of bed at night. No walking about in the sling. No rocking in the chair. Getting out of bed was, perhaps, contributing more to our problems than the night nursing. Settling Ewan in the sling, walking about until he was soundly asleep, and then lying him down took at least 20 minutes. By that time my husband, or I, were fully awake, mind wandering, and we had difficulty falling asleep. Now Ewan would be given comfort in bed; quiet songs, back rubs, anything at all, just no getting out.

The first night, I won’t lie, was tough. Of course it was. All of a sudden the rules had changed. Rules that Ewan had come to know during the course of his short life had changed completely. He did cry and protest (on-and-off for nearly three hours), but he didn’t cry-it-out. Aaron and I were there, the whole time, holding his hand, rubbing his back, telling him we loved him. Eventually, he tired, snuggled up, went back to sleep, and didn’t wake until morning.

Each night after that got a little bit easier. The second night there was only an hour or so of protest.

The third, maybe 30-45 minutes.

Last night, the 13th night, there was very little. We have successfully night-weaned and we are all getting more sleep.

We still co-sleep, most of the night, and he still wakes a whole lot. Now instead of nursing or needing to be slung or rocked, he seeks out a crook in our arm or crawls up and lies his head on the pillow beside us and, with minimal fuss, goes back to sleep.

Finally, after sixteen months of parenthood, we are getting rest. Our kid is, almost, sleeping through the night, and we are emerging from the thick fog that we lived in.

It is easy to wonder, should we have done this earlier, would we have gotten more rest if we gave this a try a few months ago. Maybe. Maybe not.

Honestly, I’m glad we waited until now. Waited until he was ready. As a sixteen month old toddler, I feel like he is in a place where he can understand that milk is for daytime and sleep is for nighttime. While he didn’t immediately agree to the new rules, I do believe he understood them, and, as a result, he was quick to accept them as well.

Thank goodness for that.

Tell me, when did you all night wean? How did the process go for you?

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Flashback

It’s hard to believe it’s been almost a year since I happened upon the Nursing is Normal, Madison project.

Almost 11 months since we had our photos taken.

Almost 10 months since I first saw, and was amazed by, the slideshow.

And now, today, look what landed in my inbox.

(All photos were taken by Lea Wolf. If you’d like to see more, check out the flickr set.)

It is hard to believe that he was, truly, that tiny. Less than a year ago. Really.

I’ve gotta say, these are shots that I will cherish. Forever. As soon as I saw them, it just brought it all back. All those memories and moments. Those uncertainties as a new mama. The trust you have to have when nursing. It all came flooding back and it was just as clear to me today as it was the day those photos were taken.

Now, as I nurse my toddler, seeing these photos reminded me how very different the experience is. How different, but how important, it has been for my boy through all the months of his life.

I’m not sure where our nursing relationship will go from here or how long the path will be, but I’m so very grateful that I’ve gotten the chance to nourish him, body and soul. 16 months, and counting.

Thank you Lea. Thank you for capturing those moments, thank you for sharing them with us. Thank you for the trip I took down memory lane today and that I’m sure I’ll take so many times in the future. It is, truly, a great gift.

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